This is not the life I envisioned for myself. I’m not really sure what I envisioned or if I even had a vision but this, was not it. Not the career, I mean. That’s a whole other topic. But the other. I didn’t envision it.
Maybe it’s a woman thing. Maybe it’s a me thing. I’m thinking the latter. I feel the need to do everything. All the time. At home. In relationships. I don’t ever rest. Which leads to me never getting what I put out in return and it also leaves me exhausted.
It sucks. I always have to ask. For once I would like to not have to ask. For once I’d like to live like everyone else. Relaxed and doing as I pleased.
I feel like I lost myself long ago to this sort of toxic lifestyle. I always on the go doing stuff (nothing fun or exciting) just house chores, errands, work stuff. Taking care of this or that while others live in bliss while the person I was, was lost.
Or that’s how it feels at least. I’ve complained for quite some time about this. Not sure how to fix it. If I stop doing, then nothing gets done.
I feel so very alone. The weight is heavy but I am strong- it’s a bit played out, at least to me.
I haven’t really journaled in well over a year if not 2. I have one but I can’t bring myself to write. Or think. But maybe this is how I start. At least here for now until I can open mine and begin again on an empty page.
It’s autumn now. Like full swing autumn. Beautiful reds and yellows on the leaves as they flip and turn falling, leaving a blanket of color on the ground below. The air is cooler and the wind curls around you with a slight shiver. It is my favorite season.
But now this season is darkened. It has a date now. One that will be etched in stone soon all cold and grey. How could this be? I ask myself that so much yet the answer is always the same. ‘I don’t know’. How? Why? What could’ve been different? So many questions but all have the same answer. What’s done is done.
The month is stained. The season is darker. All because a date that will be etched in stone.
Trauma is weird. This is a top secret post so that means it stays here and only here.
My boss had a heart attack the other day. I won’t go into all the details of how fucking scary it was but it was bad.
Bad enough that when I got the phone call and heard my moms voice, all my trauma came rushing back. I was in 2017 again. My heart stopped beating. I swear it did. Ever since I had covid, my heart condition, when it acts up, it does it for so long., when it used to be minor. Sometimes I get scared and think this is it. And when I got that phone call, my heart acted up for a solid 3 minutes. I could not get it regular again. But finally, it fell back into its normal rhythm.
There’s a lot that came into mind during that phone call. So much. So many emotions turned into tears. I was scared and haven’t felt that way since 2017. I was worried about him, about my future. About everything. My coworkers. Just everything you could think of. I took a few walks around my dining room pacing to finally be able to breathe again.
He’s okay now and resting and at home. I saw him today and was alone with him for a bit and the entire time, I was so anxious and have been for days.
I’m so scared something else will happen when I’m around him. I hate being alone with him now because I’m just so fucking scared and anxious. I’ve watched someone die and I don’t think I can do it again. I’m just so scared. But that’s what trauma does.
I needed to get this out. It’s easier here. Hopefully this anxiousness I feel will go away. I hope it does.
Today, my coworker told me the name that was chose for his baby and prior to this, every time we talked about it, I just kept getting “Olivia” in my head. The first, original name was Eden rose. When he told me, I almost told him I thought it was going to be Olivia. But I didn’t and kept the thought to myself because I thought it was a weird thing to say lol
So today we were talking about it and he told me that the name was changed to Olivia.
The way both Texas moon and Texas sun have a hold over me… this genre of music is one of my favs. Takes you somewhere.. I think of slow dancing on the beach as the sun goes down when I hear this. Wearing a silk slip dress feeling the warmth of the air on my skin. Ya know? One of those nights. Carefree. Golden.
the only thing keeping me going nowadays is a vacation that’s still many weeks away. I wish I knew why all the days seem the same. Everything is too exhausting to put into words. I’m okay I guess but tired of living on repeat. The spark of life dwindles at times.
